First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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