we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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