hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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