Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
