Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
