I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The feeling are messing with the penis
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
