Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
