she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize