If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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