So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
