Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
