I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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