Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
