Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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