my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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