I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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