I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
