Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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