Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
