Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
