I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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