I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
