She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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