I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
