I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
