She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
