I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My penis needs a shock collar
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
