so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
that may or may not have been my penis.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
