first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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