i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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