This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
