every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
