You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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