I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
