I will die if light touches me.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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