id be glad to
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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