remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
