When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
