You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
