Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
