What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
