im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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