Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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