wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
