i already hear my dad disowning me
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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