Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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