So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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