I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
