Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
