It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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