So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
