a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
