I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
