u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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