yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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