I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
