I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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