I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
