I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Drake has all the answers
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
