I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
foreskin is a definite game changer
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize