They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
