just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I met the friendliest cop last night
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
My cat gives me a boner
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
