Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
