so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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