I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
